Carlton Dramatic Society

The official website for 'Fred and Madge' has now been updated with a huge gallery of photos from Simon Harris, and all the background information and blurb from the programme.

The Carlton's fame is spreading far and wide, and news of 'Fred and Madge' has hit Broadway (and I don't mean Wimbledon Broadway!)!. Click here or on the New York Times logo to read their listing for of Fred and Madge.

Like comedy? Like surreal comedy? Like surreal black humour comedy?

If the answer's 'yes' to any of the above, then you MUST see Carlton's new production of Joe Orton's 'Fred and Madge' - it'll make 'Green Wing' look boring. Like previous Carlton productions it's bound to be a sell-out, so book NOW to ensure you don't miss out. Why not get a group along to help support your fellow thesps? Here's the important stuff:

• When: Tues 5th June - Sat 9th June, 7.45pm (3.00pm Sat matinee)
• Where: New Wimbledon Studio Theatre, The Broadway, Wimbledon, SW19 1QG
• How much: £8.50 - £12.00
• To buy tickets: ring Box Office 0870 060 6646, or online here.

With a sparkling cast, masterly directed by Carlton veteran Val Foskett, it's going to be a production to remember - so ring that Box Office.

We are urgently looking for a volunteer to help Simon Harris with the lights during the Fred and Madge production. This involves:

• Being available for dress and technical rehearsals on Sunday 3 June and Monday 4 June
• Being available for performances from Tues 5 June to Saturday 9 June (including the Saturday matinee)
• Talking through what's involved with Simon between now and then - if you've never done lighting before don't worry

Advantages: An automatic invitation to the aftershow celebrations and (if you're new) a chance to get to know other people in the group.

If you're able to help, or want to know more info, please e-mail the committee!

Jeff Graves, our King of Farce with such notable successes as 'Habeas Corpus' and 'Trivial Pursuits' to name but a few, is soon to be directing ANOTHER! Jeff's choice of play this time is 'It Runs In The Family' by Ray Cooney. See below for play and character information.

But firstly check the calendar for audition and rehearsal dates.

Play Synopsis

Dr David Mortimore is about to address a neurologists convention, when old flame Jane Tate arrives and announces that their liaison years ago resulted in a child. Frantic to hide the truth from his wife and the hospital authorities, David is forced to invent not one but two non-existent husbands for Jane, and enlist the help of his colleagues. Events are further complicated by the presence of a police sergeant, a wandering senile patient, an assortment of matrons and costumes from the hospital pantomime!

This hilarious farce in the true Cooney tradition, enjoyed a spectacular success at the Playhouse Theatre, London.

Characters

Male - 7 (or 6)* Female - 5 (or 6)*

• Dr David Mortimore - Male - Age from mid 40's
• Dr Mike Connolly - Male - Age from Mid 20's
• Dr Hubert Bonney - Male - Age from mid 40's
• Rosemary Moritmore - Female - Age Mid 40's
• Matron - Female - Age from 30's
• Jane Tate - Female age 40's
• *Leslie - Male (or Female) 18 ( can be played by someone older, but looks young!)
• Bill - Male - Age from 60
• Sister - Female - Age 20's
• Mother - Female - Age 70's
• Sir Willoughby Drake - Male - Age from 60's
• Police Sergeant - Male - Age 30's

See you there!

Thanks to the photography skills of our very own Kristen McGorry, we have a wonderful gallery of photos of the 80th Party to help remind us of the great night we all had.

Head on over here to view them! Prints are available - just contact Kristen.

The webpage for The Resistible Rise of Arturo Ui, Carlton's show from last June, is now complete and available to view here.

The cast and crew lists are updated, so if you were involved, you can see your name in lights, and many photos can now be viewed. In addition, the extensive Director's Notes will give you a lot of background information on this hugely successful, entertaining, and thought-provoking production.

Relive those heady days of last June - view the site now!

Jeremy Wray writes:

Apologies for the short notice but I discovered yesterday that tickets for the extra Showcase performance (coming Saturday 28th April) are selling fast and they don't think there'll be many (if any) available on the door on the night. So, if you're sure you want to come you're best getting a ticket, you can either sort this out yourself (details following) or I'd suggest that I buy a bunch of them and you pay me on the night for them. Let me know and I'll get them, please though be sure as they're £10 a pop.

Those taking part don't need tickets - and I think this goes for Neil also as writer but will check. Finally if anyone knows where the sack, rope and cloak came from I'd like to get hold of them again, any help appreciated.

Thanks all!

Show details here.

... or was that a Charleston?

Chairperson Kathie Arundell wrote:

What a magical night on Saturday! It was a terrific evening and it was clear that everyone - current members, former members and guests of members - thoroughly enjoyed themselves. What a reunion!

From start to finish, the organising Committee could not have asked for anything more - it was perfect!

The absolute icing on the cake was to be made a Lifetime member of the Carlton - I was, as I said, struck dumb (there's a switch!) and was completely overwhelmed. It was a tremendous honour which will be treasured always. As Chair of the Carlton and as an individual I was so proud.

Thank you so much to the Carlton Committee and to you the membership for making my evening one I will never forget.

More details of the evening coming soon...

Review - 'Showcase LXXX', 23-24 February 2007, reviewed by Matthew Petty

Click on the link above for details on all the directors, cast and crew

After the crowds had been herded and goaded to their seats, after the usual frantic sparking of tea-lights and popping of corks, after the rustling of packets and the popping of Pringles™, the lights dimmed, or perhaps my eyes are going.

James Grayston opened the evening with a piece called, 'The Night I Appeared As Macbeth', a poignant reminder that The Bard can be a harsh mistress, especially with a tough crowd.

Next up was another well crafted slice of murderous misogyny from Neil Kelly, 'Praying Mantis', a short play about a woman whose many husbands have popped their clogs in suspicious circumstances. But will this one suffer the same fate? Probably.

'The Waitress' is a classic Victoria Wood sketch about a slow and decrepit member of the restaurant staff having trouble taking an order for soup. Tori Heggs played the character with the correct vim and gumption the part demanded. Even her tortured shuffling across the stage caused some belly laughs. How cruel those punters can be.

For a bit of a break from all that acting, Jason treated us to one of his self-penned and self-strummed songs, 'The Writing's On The Wall', and then it was straight into an excerpt from 'Billy Liar', with Jason playing the eponymous Billy, beset by mutiple demanding fiances.

Andrew Candish then appeared on the stage, coughing, swigging from a hip flask, and dressed head to foot in rags. After checking the (wonderfully well-designed) programme, I realised Andrew had done this deliberately to more closely resemble his character in a monologue from Edward Bond's 'The Sea', in which a beach-living tramp considers life on other planets, and whether it's as vicious out there as it is down here.

To lighten the mood somewhat, Mike Norman-Smith's 'Shark-infested Waters' gave us a vignette of the power struggles and politics of the playpool. Ruth showed that kids grow up so fast these days, as did Mike's beard.

The resulting resounding applause gave way to the interval, wherein your correspondent ran to Sainsbury's to buy milk for the half-time cuppas, which caused him to work up a terrible thirst. Luckily some Merlot was on hand for the quenching.

During the interval, Showcase producer Kristen McGorry did the honours by drawing the raffle tickets so that noone suspected it was all a con. She was assisted in this onerous task by freshly quenched correspondent. And very fresh he was too.

Then back to the business of the evening. The first item after the noise died down was a Beatles song lyric performed as a short sketch by Carlton newcomer Alun Goodman and Carlton vet Ruth Brooks. Most amusing, but I was disappointed that they didn't choose to do 'I Am The Walrus'.

Another Mike Norman-Smith joint, 'Holiday Acquaintances', put forward the possibility that Saint Nick likes to travel to sunnier climes when not making his naughty/nice list. Mike looked the part of course, and was joined on stage by another Carlton newcomer, Michael Mangroo, whose description of chocolate sponge with custard had your correspondent's mouth watering.

The back to the Victoria Wood archive for a wonderfully callous piece, 'The Reporter', in which a local news hack and her thuggish photog barge in and stamp all over a recent widow's grief. I laughed and laughed.

'There are Smiles' was a real highlight of the evening. At the risk of overusing the word 'poignant', this was very poignant. Packed with Carlton newcomers - it must be the tea that attracts them - Brian Aris, Sara Erne, Alun Goodman and in her first Carlton acting role, Jo Forest-Jones, this story of the way a smile can bring light into the most mundane lives. Of course, with light comes shade, and the ending of this tale was a truly sad moment. Excellent performances all round, including the always-wonderful Netty Piper - this was my favourite piece of the evening. I particularly liked the car.

'Teechers'-tomboy Naomi Nicholson played a frustrated Elizabethan housewife getting off on writing dirty letters, and good luck to her. A very funny monologue, packed with well-crafted looks and reactions.

To round off the evening in the traditional manner, with some no-nonsense comedy, we called on Neil Kelly once again to give us another Boy's Own style tale of skullduggery, this time involving a helpless damsel and some railway tracks. Can Henwy - sorry - Henry save Miwwanda - sorry - Miranda from the eveil clutches of Sir Percy (another Carlton newcomer, Jeremy Wray?)? More to the point, can he be bothered?

All in all, it was a great show, and congratulations are due to all involved, cast, crew, directors, and of course the producer who held it all together while coming apart herself, Kristen McGorry.

Showcase LXXX was just the ticket to kick off the Carlton's 80th Year. Let's hope we can surpass this high standard throughout 2007!

The Tempest webpage now has clearer scans of Pippa's fantastic artwork, as well as being tweaked and modernised.

This update was made possible by James Grayston's archive of Carlton Programmes.

The 2005 Workshops webpage has been updated, with all the cast and crew properly listed now.

This update was made possible by James Grayston's archive of Carlton Programmes.

Finally, after 15 years, the details of this production are online here. It's packed with notes and articles from the programme, and Pippa Booth's great artwork, so take a look!

This update was made possible by James Grayston's archive of Carlton Programmes.

The Dream Play webpage now has the crew list, as well as being tweaked and modernised.

This update was made possible by James Grayston's archive of Carlton Programmes.

The Crimes of Passion webpage now has the crew list, as well as being tweaked with a new scan of the poster.

This update was made possible by James Grayston's archive of Carlton Programmes.

Finally, after 16 years, the details of this production are online here. It's packed with notes and articles from the programme, so take a look!

This update was made possible by James Grayston's archive of Carlton Programmes.

The What The Butler Saw webpage now has a list of thanks, updated photos, as well as being tweaked here and there.

This update was made possible by James Grayston's archive of Carlton Programmes.

The Blithe Spirit webpage now has the crew list, as well as being tweaked with a new scan of the poster.

This update was made possible by James Grayston's archive of Carlton Programmes.

The Amadeus webpage now has the crew list, as well as being tweaked with a new scan of the poster.

This update was made possible by James Grayston's archive of Carlton Programmes.

The Carlton's next main production, Joe Orton's 'Fred and Madge' has now been cast! Head over to the official show page for the details.

Congratulations to the whole cast, which is a subtle blend of veteran Carlton talent and fresh new blood. It looks like being another Carlton cracker.

As part of the fantastic 80th Birthday Celebrations, we're trying to gather as much information as possible about the history of the group. Neil 'Scoop' Kelly will be circulating at the party itself to get peoples thoughts and memories about their involvement. We also need any programmes, flyers, posters, news cuttings, or any other materials to put together a good history.

All materials will be scanned and returned to their owner, so no worries there. If you have any of these, and can help, please contact the committee.

Director Val Foskett writes:

So you think 'Green Wing' style comedy is a new thing? The apparently stereotypical scene where, suddenly, the dialogue takes a surrealistic turn, the black humour, the switch from cliché to pure fantasy, Joe Orton was writing this way in 1959! 'Fred & Madge' was his first play, written before 'Entertaining Mr Sloane' and 'Loot' which became West End hits, and 'What the Butler Saw', which the Carlton did in 2001.

The title characters appear to be a typical bored couple with routine jobs, but these turn out to be rather unusual after all...

Also, as the action is interrupted by a director-like figure, they seem to be inhabiting a play about themselves – one of Fred's jobs is to change the scenery! Over the course of the play, they part, each plans to remarry, but are thrown together again when each of the new weddings is accidentally prevented. Gradually things become more chaotic as modern buildings are destroyed by laughter and suburban garden plants run wild and turn into impenetrable jungle. Finally the whole cast decides to leave for India – the exotic and unknown other world! Along the way, most of the late 50's establishment and its attitudes are sent up. To quote:

Webber: Do you want to ruin society and civilisation with your laughter?
Madge: Yes, oh yes!

There are ten parts, 5 male, 4 female and one who could be either. The parts are:

• Fred and Madge
• Queenie, Madge's sister
• Gladys, their workmate
• Webber, the director
• Sykes, a member of the audience
• Dr Petrie and Miss Oldbourne, a professional insultor and insultrix
• Old Man, actually Madge's father
• Small Part Player, who acts as a reporter and newsreader among other things

Readthrough is set for Monday 26th February and Auditions are Thursday 1st March and Monday 5th March at the WCC - 8:00 pm Rooms C&D.

Ah, school days! The happiest days of your life! Who can honestly say that Ian Ward's excellent realisation of John Godber's play did not transport them back to their pubescent years in the hormone-charged world of secondary education, where we were forced to keep company with the educationally subnormal and the mentally ill, not to mention a fair number of hardened professional criminals? Who can forget that nervous little fluttering of the heart whenever you noticed that the kid sat next to you had started rocking and muttering to himself as his medication either kicked in or wore off, I forget which, but you knew it meant you had to watch your back because who knew what kind of shiv he might have fashioned for himself in the metalwork shop? Like me, you probably went for the safest option, getting yourself ejected from the class for some petty disciplinary infringement and spending the rest of the period hanging around in the puke and fear-stinking corridor, hoping that vicious little rodent of a deputy head wouldn't happen to pass by with his cane. Better that than featuring in the next issue of the school magazine's obituary column. School equipped this correspondent with 4 CSEs, a nervous tick to go with his 20-a-day smoking habit on cigarettes earned giving [censored] behind the bike sheds and a strong sense of having been cheated out of something. I began planning my revenge, joining the army to gain access to explosives and automatic weapons, but... but I digress! It's the play you want to read about, not the rambling, random reminiscences of some bitter old [censored].

Directed by former schoolboy Ian Ward, 'Teechers' is a fast-moving play set in a 'modern' comprehensive (it was written circa 1980, so some changes to the script were necessary in order to comply with the author's instruction to set it in the present), and follows a new drama teacher's progress through two terms of unruly classes, demoralised colleagues and a particularly obstreperous caretaker. John Godber's script initially met with lukewarm responses. 'Well it's alright I suppose,' some would comment. 'It has its moments.' It is a tribute then to Ian's inspired vision and casting that turned this potentially drab material on the page into pure gold on stage. After opening night one audience member (a real teacher as chance would have it) commented that she had seen the original when it was first performed and that the Carlton's presentation was every bit as good. She also reminded us of our promise to stay away from her school.

Teechers opens with an explosive "Knackers school!" as the three leavers, Gail (played by Kirsty Collins), Salty (played by Andrew Candish) and Hobby (played by Carlton newcomer Naomi Nicholson) burst onto the stage, overwhelmed by their newly-found freedom.

"Everyone's been lovely," says Naomi, "apart from Tori who made me sick." ("Well you've got to stop kissing me, darling," Tori interjects.) Naomi's favourite scene was The School Killers. "My favourite bit is where I fall on the ground and I have a big bruise on my knee which I'm going to treasure forever. There was one nasty moment when I couldn't remember my line and could feel my world caving in around me and I thought Oh my God I'm going to spoil it for everyone and they'll all hate me... But then I remembered it and it was fine."

"The earth is still moving under me," says Andrew. He too loved the Ninja scene. "It was one of those scenes that grew throughout the whole run and I always looked forward to doing it."

"I nearly crippled Naomi about four times throwing the bag around at the start," Andrew adds. "One time I got her fair and square. She was always there when I was flailing around. Kirsty knows me well enough to stand back, so she was never hit."

I tell Kirsty she has won a number of admirers throughout the show. She demands that I name names so I grass up my ex-boss. "This is probably the most enjoyable play I've done with Carlton," says Kirsty. "There was so much scope to just muck around on stage, whilst keeping in character."

And a special thanks to Kirsty on behalf of all the cast and crew for hosting a great after-show party.

Rich Gladwell returned for his second appearance with the Carlton, ably playing the new teacher, Mr. Nixon with the great professional stage-craft that has become his trademark. I ask him his favourite scene, but he declines to answer as Kirsty is still collecting fines for quoting lines from the show (double if you quote from a previous show). I offer him an amnesty if he will tell me his worst moment, but the worst he can think of is a moment in the dressing room during dress rehearsal when his mind suddenly went blank. "No bad moments really. It's been a top show." As ever, it is difficult to get Rich to talk about himself, as he can't stop praising his fellow cast members and crew.

The lovely Anna Parker was perfectly cast as Mrs Cordelia Parry, a "large, attractive" headmistress with a clashing wardrobe and a passion for drama. Anna probably delivered the most consistently funny line across all six performances, "'You did what?', said Mrs Parry, her pink jacket clashing with her yellow blouse." Listening in down in the dressing room, we watched in trepidation as the tannoy shuddered under the roar of laughter and feared that it was going to explode off the wall at any minute. What are you going to do with that lovely costume, I ask her. "I'm going to donate it to the London museum of fashion," says Anna.

Returning to the stage for the first time since the 2006 Showcase, the inimitable Tori Heggs drew upon her remarkably expressive face, her wide range of funny voices and a debilitating illness to play the three roles of dowdy teacher Maureen Whitham, P.E. dodger Haley Patterson (the object of Salty's desire) and Mrs Clifton of St. Georges, whose appearance altered every night.

This production was so bedevilled with illness that our newly renovated (severely reduced) dressing room sometimes resembled a plague pit. Tori turned incapacity to her advantage, developing a new comical squeaky voice with which to imbue Miss Whitham. The tissue into which she snuffled on stage, and the bottle of linctus which she would pull from her cardigan pocket for a quick swig between lines weren't just props.

I caught up with Tori at the after show party and asked her how she was feeling. "Sniffly, chesty cough, fairly high temperature, but all round great!" Her best moment on stage? "It wasn't when I coughed up my guts. It was probably when I played Mrs Clifton because I do quite aspire to be a governess of a really posh school." I remind her of the moment on opening night when she forgot she was supposed to be on stage, but she is happy to talk about it. "Panic struck. Didn't know what to do except cry, swore a bit, like 'Oh dear, gracious!' (steady on, old girl). Then I climbed the steps, cardigan all over the place, did it up, chucked on the glasses and went on as if nothing had happened. Because that was the way it was meant to be." A real trouper!

Newcomer David Hall drew satisfying hisses from the audience as the borderline fascist deputy head Mr. Basford, an authority figure we can all identify with. I ask whether Mr. Basford was based on any real life character who might have been the scourge of his school days. "No," says David modestly, "I just made him up." I point out that he looks old enough to have been caned at school. He gives me a funny look, perhaps wondering where this is leading. "I was soundly thrashed," I assure him. "We got to like it so much that when there were no teachers around we used to spank each other."

"I think you're just fantasising, Neil," he replies.

What can we say about the always superb Ellie Levy as P.E. teacher Miss Jackie Prime; that tight Reebok-footed [censored] [censored] [censored], that schoolboy [censored]-fantasy! Reverting to her Tennessee trailer park drawl, Ellie May says how much she enjoyed Rich's gospel singing during the warm-up, as it reminded her of home. Praise the Lord! We agree how much we both enjoyed the scene where (as directed and completely in character) I look up her skirt while she's bending over the magazine rack. "I'm a good girl at heart," Ellie says. "Are we done now?"

Nicky Young drew much admiration from younger female members of the audience playing school thug Oggy Moxon. In real life of course, Nick is a model of propriety; no chance of a date unless you can produce a National Insurance number, or preferably a driving licence, girls!

Nick wins top prize for the most eye watering ad lib with his remarkable, 'You broke my nose, you [CENSORED]!' during the Friday evening performance. It was truly heroic when you consider that his mother was in the audience at the time. Audience, cast and crew gasped in wonder as he repeated the expletive for the benefit of those who didn't get it first time around. Outraged, yet unable to reach Nick from her place behind the sound console, Jo unleashed a furious punch sound effect at him. However, some in the cast were inspired and considered pepping up their own lines in a similar way, but did we dare? I thought perhaps I might be accused of scene-stealing (something I am very sensitive to) if my first staff room line was, "Oh you can't sit there, that's Marcus's seat, you [censored]." Nick was noticeably absent from the cast slap-up curry meal later on, and presumed to have been led away by the ear to have his bottom warmed.

"The last time I used that word in front of my mum she scalded me," says Nicky. "I don't mean scolded as in told off, I mean scalded as in she threw a cup of tea in my face."

I asked Nicky whether he had drawn on any real life experiences in creating his character. "There was no acting required whatsoever. It was me aged fourteen. At age twelve I was angelic, but that was what I had turned into by age fourteen. That's what an all-boys' secondary modern does to you. I actually spotted one of my teachers from my high school in the audience. I used to behave like a complete arse at school and I had her for English and I saw her looking from me to the programme then back to me again and I could tell she'd clocked me. I haven't seen her for about fourteen years. I was going to say hello after the show, but she was straight out the door."

As ever, we had to cope with the problem of disappearing props. On opening night, Nick announced that the 'art pamphlet' featuring tastefully posed nude studies of the female form - used solely as a prop of course - had vanished overnight. This correspondent had to accompany Louisa to the local shop to procure a new one and we selected Sport Readers' Wives for its sheer brashness. The young man behind the counter was visibly impressed at the spectacle of this aging Lothario in the company of an attractive young lady who seemed willing to accompany him to the shop, help him choose a spangle book from the top shelf and then pay for it. Wearing his treasurer's hat, Andrew expressed some concern that a disproportionate amount of the budget was being spent on one-handed reading material. To his credit, he was not swayed by the offer of the chance to inspect the assets of Cassie from Leeds, despite assurances that she was 'all woman'.

And where would we have been without Stage Manager, Louisa Court? Future directors take note - Louisa is a Trojan. A marine. A Samurai. A storm trooper. A [insert favourite elite warrior here]. When she is on the team, she will serve unto death. We first noticed that she wasn't looking her best during the tech rehearsal on the Sunday; she looked pale and announced that she hadn't slept for 24 hours. Concern mounted as 24 hours gave way to 48 hours at dress rehearsal, then 72 hours without sleep by opening night, but still she soldiered on. "Just give me a light," she would mutter through gritted teeth. Just as comic book heroes draw their super powers from exposure to lethal doses of radiation, Louisa's are derived from cigarettes. She actually collapsed on the Thursday evening during Act 2, but we managed to revive her. We implored her to sit quietly and drink some water while Ellie fanned her, but that's not the way of Louisa. "Just hold the door for me so I can bring the table off," she gasped.

I hold the tape recorder under her nose and suggest that it's been a gruelling week for her. "You misquoted me for Outside Edge," she shouts, "I'm not talking to you now, except to say that the [censored] Ford Fiesta was a [censored] change! You can quote me on that."

Jeff Graves was a tower of strength as Assistant to the Director from the first rehearsal right through to the final show. "It was a joy to be a part of this show," says Jeff. "Ian knew what he wanted and he went out and got it. Ian cast this one so well that he was halfway there already." I notice that his glass is empty and that I am standing between him and the kitchen. "Get out the way, you [censored]," he says.

Cindy Graves as Producer was always there in the background, doing her bit. "It was fantastic. Great show. I knew that right from the first rehearsal, but new things just kept being added in throughout the week."

Jo Forest-Jones provided the excellent sound effects. "I also enjoyed dancing back stage with Kristen when the music came on at the start of the show." The famous punch, however, was less fun. "It was horrible. Every night my hand started sweating five lines before I had to do it, but it was OK apart from the time I missed it out and the time I did it twice (although that was deserved)."

Thanks also to mysterious newcomer Louise Blackman, who rocked up during the final rehearsals announcing that she was interested in working backstage and thereafter made herself very useful indeed.

Thanks also to Kristen Bowditch for the fantastic lighting and Simon for all his technical expertise.

"It was excellent," says Simon. "There were more cues than I've ever had to programme before, somewhere around seventy-five. The most I've ever done before was around fifty or sixty."

"Teechers was the most illuminating Carlton production I've ever seen in my life," says Kristen (and I've kept the tape so she can't deny it at a later date). "My favourite bit was 'that Friday incident' where mine and Ian's jaws dropped to the floor and the audience were sobbing into their handkerchiefs and we were barred from ever appearing in the Studio again. Even in the main theatre downstairs Elvis went "Uuh-huh-hunh!" in surprise. It's true!"

Thanks to Matt Petty for putting out an excellent full colour souvenir programme (sure to become a much sought-after collector's item) and for some deft work on the web page. [and for censoring this review - Ed.]

And a final word from Ian: "I've been working with a fantastic crew and cast for the past three months. It's like it had nothing to do with me. I blocked a couple of scenes and then left. Then I arrived back on the scene on Tuesday and found they'd put a show on. I love my cast, I think they love me and this directorial debut has inspired me to do it again soon."

The author made a modest contribution to the show, playing Doug the Caretaker, the legendary PE-dodger Barry Wobshall, Oggie's yobbish mate Dennis and Teacher B.