Carlton Chronicle

In last issue's review of TWO, our reviewer Andrew Candish somehow managed to neglect to mention the name of the Director of the piece, the scintillating Debbie Fowler. We apologise for any mental anguish this may have caused Debbie Fowler, Debbie Fowlers family, or Debs' mates. We at the Chronicle hope to make amends in this issue. Sorry, Debbie Fowler.

IT'S MADNESS I TELL YOU

Drooling, anguished moaning, hysterical screaming, sadomasochistic whip play, and a man who thinks he's a French political leader. Just another night in Guildford that I was happy to escape, in order to see Mehmet C Izbudak's (like Cecil B DeMille but without the sand) latest magnum opus, The Marat Sade: Theatre of the Mind.

"Theatre of the Mind" - thought this reviewer...as I envisaged a bare stage and the director coming out to address the audience thus: "For the next hour and a half I want you to imagine a cast of brilliant actors playing their parts with the kind of emotional honesty and intensity previously unseen at the Wimbledon Studio," and then exiting stage left to the bar. But I was delightfully surprised as upon arrival at said venue, I was greeted by some loonies. After being directed to my seat by the front of house staff, I settled down for what I was sure was going to be a "nuit à se rappeler" (translate it yourself - http://babelfish.altavista.com), the original Marat/Sade having been described by director Peter Brook as "... a hypodermic needle plunged directly into the playgoer's emotional bloodstream." A testimonial indeed thought I, as I awaited my fix of theatre heroin with more than a little trepidation.

And I was not disappointed. Based on Peter Weiss's groundbreaking, ensemble, theatrical, masterpiece (www.dramafordummies.com), Mehmet had masterfully rewritten the script, updating it to an indeterminate time in the future and setting it on a sentient planet that can make memories flesh in a post apocalyptic homage to Stanislav Lem. No, but seriously, the Rewrite King had uncharacteristically stayed true to the German surrealist's original "anblick" and we were transported 200 years back into the past, to an insane asylum some time after the French Revolution but before the flag bit in Les Miserables.

Here the Marquis de Sade (Matthew Petty in a role he was obviously born to play and did so with more relish than a New York foot-long) invited us to watch his play, a re-enactment of the Death of Marat, journalist, revolutionary, Tarzan impersonator, (Franck LeLann resplendent in loincloth). This didactic drama was to be put on by the inmates of the Coulmier Asylum, a demented, over-sexed Greek chorus of white-faced proletariat with Sade's audience being, the director of the institution, Didier Coulmier, (wonderfully underplayed with pompous naïveté by Barnaby Matley), his beautiful wife and object of Sade's perverted lust, Hortense Coulmier (Ellie Levy giving her performance just the right amount of knowing innocence) and the Comtesse de Vendee (Val Foskett, further adding to her marvellous repertoire of formidable dominatrices) .

As the drama unfolded, it became obvious that the offstage drama was more compelling than the play we were here to watch as the chorus gradually unfurled a level of psychosis previously only witnessed at Carlton Committee meetings. Displaying more than a little mal de tête were Liberté (deliciously disquieting and disconcerting Louisa Court) Egalité (a disturbingly pale and demented Katy Wey), Regicide (entrancingly unhinged Christina Cassells), Fraternité (wonderfully wide-eyed and wide-legged Ruth Brooks) and Lemon té...(refreshingly zesty and maddeningly zingy - who says advertising copywriting is hard?). Added to this chorus of female miscreants were the Old and Young Inmates (James Grayston and Nick Young). James Grayston's make-up deserves special mention. A real feat of prosthetic engineering must have been required to make this evergreen actor fit the role of Old Inmate convincingly (and we aren't just talking a bit of talc in your hair - you know who you are). And Nick Young (his name a co-incidence? This reviewer doesn't think so) certainly had the female audience members going as he waved his dementia around in the May heat.

Special mention should also be made of the two women in Marat's life. His housekeeper Simonne Evrard played with multiple personalities by Jane Richards (all of them entertaining) and Charlotte Corday, a narcoleptic Kirsty Collins whose performance was enough to keep even the more elderly audience members awake. Garnishing this mental mezze with a sprig of dementia were Duperret played with his usual aplomb by Mike Norman-Smith, Jacques Roux a rousingly, rambunctious Edgar Nanayakkar and Narrator Jeff Graves cast in his most sinister role, since he put a torch under his chin and went "Ooooooooooo" at the last Carlton picnic.

Finally giving us a subliminal sponge bath as the healthcare professionals were new stars in the Carlton firmament, Riika Silvennoinen as saucy Scandinavian "Doctor" and "Nurse" played with realistic speculum precision by Kay Elliot. Finally mention must be made of the skilful insertion of stage manager Alison Raffan on stage, who spent the performance knitting. A tongue in cheek historical reference to the sansculotte women? Or boredom? You decide.

All in all this is what I imagine to be level of the performances that evening. I wouldn't know for certain as I decided rather than driving all the way from Surrey to see Marat Sade, I would stay at home, descend into drug induced madness and create my own "masque of the medulla oblongata". Call it Carlton of the cerebellum if you will but suffice it to say after a bottle and half of imported Latvian Vodka you were all fabulous and I particularly liked it when the giant Swiss roll ate Katy. Great twist. KMc

CARLTON UPDATE

the original sexed-up dossier

IN THIS ISSUE

BUMPER BACK-TO-SCHOOL EDITION

You can't have failed to notice the extra-thick bundle of paper that makes up your Chronicle this time. This fun-filled edition contains:

In addition, you may have noticed the new format of the newsletter. This is an idea I had with no external input at all. The newsletter is now in handy 'A4' format, which makes it much more convenient to read on the train than the old 'Hectare' format used before. We at the Chronicle are very excited about the new direction this will takes us.

ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING - NEW COMMITTEE

July 4th saw the Annual General Meeting. It was pleasingly well attended, the best for a while. The meeting heard all the latest goings-on in the running of the society, before getting down to business and electing the committee for the year. The results of the election can be seen below. One thing to point out is the fact that Simon Harris is only in his post temporarily, as he would rather step down, but as noone else came forward, he has kindly agreed to help out until we can find someone official. If you'd like his job, contact the committee!

On the website, there's a new section giving all then facts about the committee, with photos so you can track them down if you so desire. Mmm, I know I do!

Join the committee! ~ Imagine the power! ~ Your Society needs you!

A MESSAGE FROM MATTHEW

The Carlton Committee
(in random order! woooo!)
Chair	Kathie Arundell
Vice-Chair	Jeff Graves
Social & Fundraising	Cindy Graves
Stage Management	Simon Harris (Temporary)
Publicity	Mike Norman-Smith
Newsletter & Website	Matthew Petty
Secretary	Alison Raffan
Treasurer	Andrew Candish
Membership Secretary	Katy Wey

Matthew Petty has this message:
"I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone in the Carlton for all the cards and messages of sympathy, and the generous donation to my father's memorial fund. I know that the Carlton will be instrumental in helping me over the coming months. Thank you."

FINANCIAL TIME

Here's a quick update of how we are doing, money-wise. Thanks to the Treasurer, Andrew Candish for the figures.

Our last major production, Marat/Sade, made a very good £411.55 profit, thanks to great ticket sales, and low production costs. The Workshops in February made a superb £817 profit, due to huge ticket sales (standing room only!), extremely low production costs and the relaxing influence of booze. The show before that, November's Two, made a healthy profit of £71.41, and April's Charity Gala made a profit of £342, a wodge of which has gone to the charities we pledged to help. 2004's summer production, Alfie, made a tidy £221, despite Abbeyfest being mainly a music and comedy event now.

Special mention must go to the sales of DVDs of our productions, which gave us £745, after Mike T has taken his (minimal) costs. Thanks Mike for all your hard work with the videoing and duplicating of our shows. Also, Mike has done a sterling job up to now of maintaining the Address List, a rotten task which has now been taken on in an official capacity by Katy Wey.

If all the numbers above sound big, you should bear in mind that our costs last year came to £5,705, so you can see how important it is to sell tickets and make money, so that we can stage the productions that we are all here to enjoy. Also very important are the subscriptions, without which we wouldn't have a society at all. If you received this newsletter in the post, you are a paid-up member of the group - congratulations! Only paid up members receive the latest newsletter, and are invited to the social events, and of course only members are allowed to audition and perform in shows, so it's vital that subs are paid promptly.

WEBSITE UPDATE

The website (www.carltondrama.org.uk - tell your friends!) has been moved to a new host, which doesn't affect the name, just the stuff backstage, as it were. The move is enabling us in the Carlton New Media Quango to set up some exciting new features. The sort of thing the lovely Debbie Fowler would approve of.

Ian Ward is doing some sterling work, digging up all sorts of ~~dirt~~ photos of old productions, as we try to make sure that the Previous Productions page is packed full of nostalgia. Keep an eye on the new, improved Front Page News for updates. The Front Page will also be the place to look for up-to-the-minute news and announcements. The news is also available as an RSS newsfeed - see the website for details. For the curious, the front page is now one of these new-fangled blog things you may have read about in the Guardian Media supplement.

The updated Calendar page shows you what is coming up soon, how the next few months pan out, and how everything will overlap - that should let you plan your entire lives around the Carlton, as is only right and natural.

The site's colours have also been changed to a scheme more in keeping with the twilight world of matt black paint and red velvet that we inhabit. Sadly it wasn't possible to recreate the roar of the greasepaint and the smell of the crowd.

Don't forget that the Carlton's email is now committee@carltondrama.org.uk, so please use that only from now on. The Hotmail address is being abandoned. (This goes for the committee as well!)

WORKSHOPS SUCCESS

Many thanks to Christina, Netty, Barney, Mike T, Kristen and not least Val for their wonderful Workshops. All who attended learned a great deal about performance, characterisation, timing, emotion, voice work and much much more. Including acting!

We'll probably have more Workshops in the future, and to prevent confusion, what used to be called the Workshops in February will now be called the Showcase! So, we have the Workshops as and when we feel like it, will the opportunity to hone your skills with the best talent in the Carlton, and then in February the Showcase is a chance for everyone to try something new, or to present a play they've written, or even to do a musical turn!

NUPTIAL ECSTASY

Belated Congratulations go out to all the various Carltons, ex- and otherwise, who have been joined in eternal bliss and marriage.

Talent-lodestone James Derbyshire (Trivial Pursuits, Macbeth, Stags & Hens) married gorgeous Julia Boggio, a member of the Cygnets in Putney. What attracted Julia is clear - take a look at this fabulous performance in Midsummer as the rapping Oberon. (see the Fun and Features section on the website)

Also recently hitched were lovely lighting wiz Sarah Hewitt and her beau, Russell. You can see a lovely picture here. Sarah and Russell are now united in bliss in New Zealand.

And before that, the sublime Katy Hebbourn (Marat/Sade, Stags & Hens) snared mild-mannered Steve Wey, and stole his surname.

There's a lot of it about - there must be something in the Carlton tea. The very best of luck, love and many many children to all of them!

CHRONICLE PRIZE FOR CHRONIC JOURNALISM

Each issue, the editor awards a contributor a prize for talent, wit, integrity or just plain neck. This time around the prize goes to Kristen McGorry for "Heaviest Use Of Awkward Accented Characters In A Front-Page Article".

Congratulations Kristen, that will be £10. If you would like a chance at winning this illustrious prize, write something for the Chronicle! Get your name in print, if not lights!

Stags and Hens

The Next Big Thing

"Stags and Hens takes place in the Gents and Ladies loos of a tacky Liverpool club (think 'Phoenix Nights'), where Dave and Linda have, unbeknownst to each other, decided to hold their stag and hen parties on the same night.

"The ale's last but there's loads of great tarts. And the girls are on a mission too! Dave's hammered, Linda's having second thoughts. Will they get to the church on time (or at all)?"

That's the official blurb for the latest Carlton production, and it looks like being a corker (aren't they all?). We've got a great mix of veterans and young nubile talent, with the experienced hand of Carl Whiteside on the rudder. Everything is in place for a fantastic success. All we need now is people to come and see the blasted thing. And that's where you, the ordinary member in the street, come in. Get on out there and sell tickets! The booking number is 0870 060 6646. Email people, send them to the Carlton website at www.carltondrama.org.uk - there's a big link to the official show page on the front. See the Calendar for key dates. HELP NEEDED FOR FOH and to sell progs - contact Carl or Kathie the Producer.

FORTHCOMING ATTRACTIONS

what's a-comin'?

THE ODD COUPLE - REHEARSED READING

Ticket prices
Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Saturday
8pm	7.45pm	3pm	7.45pm
£8.50	£10.50	£8.50	£10.50
(£6.50)	(£7.50)	(£6.50)	(£7.50)

Stags and Hens Cast
in alphabetical order
Peter	~	James Derbyshire
Dave	~	Jeff Graves
Carol	~	Tori Heggs
Linda	~	Ellie Levy
Roadie	~	Jethro Crabb
Billie	~	Jason Rodericks
Berni	~	Aisling Stevens
Eddy	~	Mike Tierney
Frankie	~	Naomi Vaisey
Kav	~	Ian Ward
Maureen	~	Katy Wey
Robbie	~	Nick Young

Stags and Hens Crew
Director	~	Carl Whiteside
Producer	~	Kathie Arundell
Stage Manager	~	Christina Cassells
Lighting / Sound	~	Cindy Graves
Accent Coach	~	Mike Tierney
Poster Design	~	Kristen McGorry
Web Page	~	Matthew Petty

"From the director of Les Liaisons Dangeruese and the producer of Pirates of the Caribbean comes a story of love, loss and Hoovers. Neil Simon's classic tale of antithetical acquaintances, The Odd Couple comes to Wimbledon's community centre for one night only on Saturday 22nd of October at 7.45pm.

Don't miss this comedic cocktail of laugher and tears garnished with the umbrella of hilarity and the crazy straw of whimsy. Some of Carlton's most respected and talented actors (Congressional Medal of Honor for services to Drama winners Ruth Brooks, Annette Piper, Kate Rogers and James Grayson and some fabulous cameos from Top Broadway Stars) will be walking the plank for your pleasure. Thrills, spills and as much rum as you can get down your gizzard.

Remember this is your society if you don't support it then a mysterious briny death will befall you in Davy Jones locker (the short one out of the Monkees). Ye have been warned!

QUIZ NIGHT - 17TH NOVEMBER

It's been 2 years since the last Carlton Quiz, so it's about time. Not many details yet, but it'll be a great night, especially if you bring your own booze! Cindy is busy organising it, so watch out for messages from her asking for help, questions, ideas etc. The basic plan is for a team-based quiz in a number of parts (music round, picture round etc.), bingo, and the slim chance of beating the as-yet-undefeated defending champions Mike Ahmad, Amy Glees, Matthew Petty, and Mairi Stewart.

SHOWCASE

We have our SHOWCASE NIGHTS (previously known as Workshops - but we are) at the Community Centre confirmed for Thursday Feburary 23rd and Friday February 24th 2006.

For our new members, this evening gives everyone the opportunity to have their DREAMS COME TRUE! If you haven't performed, Y-O-U will be a starring actor/actress; if you haven't directed, Y-O-U will be Oscar stuff at first go! SHOWCASE NIGHTS gives everyone a chance to TRY: whether it is acting, directing, backstage, lighting - YOUR COMMITTEE WANTS YOU! So, get thinking! Get your ideas together! These can range from a 5 min play, ones that might be a little longer, a song, or write your own play. A completely flexible event! (well almost!)

2006 PRODUCTIONS

Now is the time for prospective Directors to come forward with their suggestions for next year's shows. Included with this newsletter is a form to fill in if you have a play you would like to direct. It's pretty self-explanatory, so go right ahead and fill it in! See the Calendar on the back page to see when the form needs to be returned by, and when the committee will decide on the shows. The exact dates for the next years productions have yet to be decided, but they will be around the following times:

JULY END OR EARLY AUGUST - Venue to be decided (this slot is subject to interest)

Note: Submissions must include completion of the attached pro form and please note that self-written/adapted scripts must be at least half completed and included with your submission. Good luck!

fear will freeze you when you face...the PROBE

assuming the position this issue - the enthusiasm-wellspring* Edgar Nanayakkara

Thanks very much Ed! More probing next prog...send in your nominations now! No, really! HAVE YOUR SAY! Maybe next time it'll be Debbie Fowler!
*descriptions charged at the following rates: Honest=free; Tactful=£5; Glowing=£10

The Carlton! Diet

by Marian Haste

How do you keep mind, body and spirit razor sharp when you need to shine, yet ensure they relax fully during down time? And all on an actor's budget? Give a month's notice to your personal trainer, your masseur, your shrink, your dietician and say "Mmmwahh" to THE CARLTON! DIET. As endorsed by the radiant Debs Fowler.

The reading diet.

Everyone knows the play reading is, really, a preliminary audition. It's your opportunity to stand out, vocally, to the director. Buy a 'regular' Thick Shake from KFC in a 'jumbo' sized cup. Top up with equal measures of strong black coffee, Advocaat and Baileys and insert three straws. Keep 'THE COLONEL'S CAPPUCCINO' by your chair and take regular slurps throughout the reading. Hey Presto, you're Eartha Kitt! (and you always will be).

The audition diet.

No dairy products for the preceding 24 hours. Steamed mackerel, rich in omega 3 oils will get your brain and body moving in perfect harmony. Sod that! You need 'LIQUID STAGE-PRESENCE'! Pour three cans of Red Bull, half a bottle of supermarket gin and a generous shot of crème de menthe into a large cocktail shaker; shake vigorously. Down-in-one. You will shake, vigorously. (When stable, be sure to take a cab to the audition; and that crème de menthe means your breath will keep our little secret!)

The 'You've Been Cast!' diet.

You've worked damned hard to get this part and every effort deserves reward. The last thing you want is to embark on rehearsals feeling stressed. Relax and celebrate with a STANISLAVSKY SPRITZER! Staff in theatre bars will know that it's a quadruple vodka and a half of Strongbow in a pint glass topped up with lambrusco. Penetrates without the pinteresque pause.

The rejection diet.

Disappear into a 'DAWN FRENCH'S COFFIN'! Shatter 3 chilled Aero bars (5 Cadbury's Flakes will do) into pieces. Hurl them in a bowl, drown them cruelly in 35cl of chilled cheapo scotch and finish the job with a dash of Cointreau. Stir and leave for 8 seconds, or until all the hollows have absorbed the spirits, whichever is sooner. Eat with a very sharp fork. Bâtard!

The rehearsal diet.

'HIS DARK MATERIALS': A can of Guinness, a liberal slosh of Jack Daniels and a thimbleful of Ribena (vitamin C is crucial to co-operative skill). The iron in the Guinness will improve your memorisation of lines and blocking and the Jack will stop you blowing your top at the director. Keep a bottle of mineral water beside you to maintain that fluid level.

The dress rehearsal diet.

Stage folklore says 'good dress - bad run, bad dress - good run'. Make superstition become fact by serving LION TAMER'S LEDERHOSEN. Buy the cheapest eggs and smoked salmon you can find and thoroughly take the chill off them in a warm room for 48 hours. Invite the cast round the Friday before the show and scramble up a little theatrical success. Season with Tabasco sauce. Do not overcook. All symptoms should have disappeared by opening night.

The first night diet.

You don't want is to be upstaged so take tonight's opportunity to spell out to the rest of the cast the way things are going to be throughout this production. BLOOD OF THE BARD: Make a small cup of rosehip tea and pour into a mug, add four capfuls of corner shop brandy and a tablespoon of Day Nurse, stir and drink through a straw. Keep it backstage and take a fortifying draught whenever you come off and before you go on. Do not drive or operate machinery (unless that's the only day work available).

The tragedy diet.

Can't evoke pathos, mid-run? Audience smirking through your soliloquy? Indulge in a 'KURDISTAN KISS': Munch three large cloves of raw garlic just before going on stage - be sure to swallow every bit. Your eyes will be watery throughout your performance and other actors will wince and turn away from you with a look of horror on their faces.

The last night diet.

Months of line-learning and a week of stressful but triumphant performances have left your energy reserves depleted and nerves frayed. Recharge your physical and emotional batteries with this carbohydrate-rich energy tonic. 'THE WOODEN HORSE OF PENGE', looks like crème brûlé - kicks like the Cheltenham Gold Cup: Four tablespoons of golden syrup, 1 litre Leffe Belgian bière blonde, 1 generous glass of ouzo and two egg whites all whizzed together in a blender; scoop into ramekins and flash-bake at 450C. Sprinkle with muscovado sugar, singe with a blowtorch until a crust forms on top and serve yourself repeatedly.

The resting diet.

Aaaaaah! Time for a 'CHOCOLATE FIREGUARD'! Break a 200g bar of Cadbury's Dairy Milk into cubes. Melt in a small saucepan and carefully fold in a bottle of Londis vodka. Whip to a light froth and decant into a bowl, garnish with single cream, a sprig of mint leaves and a suggestion of paprika. Eat with a soup spoon. Manners!

THE CULTURAL GHETTO

Why I bother I don't know, but welcome to the Cultural Ghetto, where we at the Chronicle attempt to hedducate you higgnerant 'ordes. Of course, the lovely Debbie Fowler is already way ahead of you.

HAI KARATE, IT'S A HAIKU

The first part of our new cultural section is the first of many theatrical Haiku poems by our beloved Mike T.

STANZA AND DELIVER

The second half of our high-brow hijinks is a series of theatrical poems in the classical style. If you have a poem you'd like to see included, email it to the committee. This one was submitted by Mike Norman-Smith from a book he found, printed in 1925.

KITCHEN KAPERS with KATH

SOMETHING FISHY FROM KFC*

(*Kath's Friend Cindy)

(Note: be careful not to overcook the fish or let it bubble up too vigorously in the sauce otherwise the fish will go mushy)

Mmmm delish. Expect, nay, DEMAND more from Kath next time! The lovely and talented Debbie Fowler would.

My Bizarre Double Life Volume IX

by Dunbar The-Shouting

Did you believe 'An Extra's Tale', written by Kristen McGorry née Bowditch in the December Carlton Chronicle? I didn't because I knew better. It was highly amusing and detailed how she scrapes by on a few measly quid she earns whenever she is lucky enough to be offered a part, between spells of 'freelancing'. If you want to know how she really makes her money, read on.

Years ago Kristen's mum, former Carlton member Georgina Gorham told me of her daughter's childhood preoccupation with birds of prey. It started with 'The Ladybird Book of Falconry' which Kristen encountered on a school visit to the library. From age 8 to 17 Kristen's life was built around this obsession, to the exclusion of almost everything else. It made 'Kes', the Ken Loach film of Barry Hines' 'A Kestrel for a Knave' seem lightweight and superficial. While her friends' bedroom walls were covered in posters of Kurt Russell and Bruce Springsteen, Kristen's had pages from 'Country Life' depicting an eagle on the nest and falconers dangling scraps of meat for hovering ospreys.

Long before the term 'pester power' had been coined, Kristen nagged her Mum and Dad to buy her a bird of prey. The answer was, of course 'no'. Had they lived in the country things might have been different but they lived in Wimbledon and it just wasn't practical. And then there were the other considerations: we all hear of parents that end up mucking out ignored pet rabbits and always having to feed the goldfish once the euphoria has faded; and what do you do with a peregrine falcon when you go on holiday? Kristen nagged, nagged and nagged some more. Every argument against it that her parents put to her was cleverly countered by Kristen but still they said no. Eventually, Kristen ran away from home in protest. When she was found and brought home, a free-thinking social worker became involved and suggested that a bird of prey might not be such a problem pet after all. Mum and Dad relented and a chick was bought. Kristen did not become bored of it, quite the opposite. She was so pre-occupied with her young peregrine falcon that her school work suffered and her friends dwindled away as she spent all her spare time feeding and talking to it. When it was a fledgling Kristen let it fly around the garden, always being careful to give it a reason to come back to the 'nest'. When it matured she took it in a cage to Wimbledon Common and flew it there every day.

One day, the bird snatched a toupee from a man's head and tore it to shreds. This was a prophecy of Kristen's future. The man told the police and Kristen was arrested for possession of a dangerous animal. Georgina found herself in court. She was fined and bound over to keep the peace. In order to pay her legal costs and to prevent young Kristen from causing more trouble the peregrine was sold. George called this 'killing two birds with one stone' but Kristen failed to see the humour in that. She was absolutely mortified and there were tantrums but it was too late. The falconers among the Carlton will all know that a bond builds up over years between a bird trained as a hatchling - as Kristen's was - and its keeper. Kristen knew that the bird would never really settle with its new owner and would always pine for her as much as Kristen did for the bird. A miserable year passed during which Kristen sulked. It's hard to think, isn't it that the warm-hearted and even tempered woman we all know so well could have her mood brought low by the loss of a peregrine falcon.

At twelve years old cunning Kristen 'obtained' another peregrine chick which she kept, secretly in the garden shed. Stealing food scraps from the table soon had 'Perry' grown and ready for training. She smuggled him in and out of the shed to fly but this time she always took him to the Surrey countryside. She did get a few looks on the train as she would sit, blanket-covered cage on lap with the hooded bird trying to stretch its colossal wings and alarming everyone in the carriage with his screeching. The scorn of fellow passengers was worth it though, to indulge her need to be a hawker. Soon, all Kristen's pocket money was taken up with train journeys and, as Perry grew, buying frozen rats from the pet shop.

Above the fields from Dorking to Redhill Kristen would train her peregrine to fly from and return to her gauntlet. She soon had him doing all sorts of aerobatics and picking things up and putting them down to order - bits of paper and the like. Kristen read about the annual falconry show and was desperate to show her beautiful, clever bird. It was three months away and she would need to go to Derbyshire and pay for an overnight stay, as well as the entry fee. She had nothing like the money needed and knew she could never save enough in time. So, that was that. She couldn't attend the show.

While Kristen and Perry were on the train one day the driver braked very suddenly and everyone was pitched forward. In the commotion Kristen fell on the cage. The door popped open and the bird escaped, flapping around blindly and causing much more panic in the already alarmed passengers. People's screams flustered Perry so much that he raised a talon and tore off his hood. Now able to see, he made for the light and flew straight out through a window and was lost in the skies over Epsom. Mercifully, the train was in the station so Kristen belted into the street, sought the nearest open space and started twirling above her head a piece of stinking meat on the end of a long string. After twenty minutes of despair she saw a dot in the sky. It swooped and she knew instantly it was Perry. Down he came - only something was different. He appeared to have something in his beak. As he settled on her glove she saw he was carrying a piece of coloured paper very similar - but not identical to - to the ones she trained him with. Where could he have got it? How did he know its significance from any of the dozen other scraps of paper blowing around Epsom? He must be able to distinguish one bit of paper from another by its colour and size. On the way home the wheels within Kristen's innocent mind began to turn. The piece of paper was not dissimilar in size from a pound note (remember those?). But where, out in the open air is money on show?

It was at that instant that she spotted a poster promoting the Derby. Of course! At the races hundreds of people have their money out, placing bets, collecting winnings. All she needed was a few pounds and she could take Pezza to the falconry show. Over the next few weeks she trained Perry to pick up pound notes she had placed in trees and bring them to her. He soon took to five pound notes - Kristen had never had a tenner. When she had him taking the money from a scarecrow he was ready.

On Derby day Kristen positioned herself on the golf course below Tattenham Corner and released Perry. At first, he flew the wrong way, then he flew all around the course but came back with nothing. Finally, he flew over the racecourse grandstand and down out of sight. After a few minutes he came back and yes, there was something in his beak. It was a torn bookie's ticket - damn. Kristen gave him a sniff of a pound note and sent him on his way. Perry soared, way up into the sky until he was just a tiny speck, circled, hovered and then swooped like a dive-bomber to the front of the grandstand. When he came back to Kristen's gauntlet he had a ten pound note in his beak. He had ripped it a bit but it was still in one piece. A tenner. Wow! Kristen was quivering with a mixture of fear and excitement. A nice little earner but what if she got caught? Should she send Perry out on another sortie?

Kristen caught the train home before the race meeting finished, so avoiding Perry in his cage being spotted by returning race goers. Forty six pounds in her back pocket - not bad for a day's flying. After another couple of race days she had amassed £127, nearly enough to go to the falconry show.

Living in Wimbledon, Kristen never saw the Epsom Guardian; she never read the racing press either. Had she done so she would have seen a front page photo of a fully grown peregrine falcon snatching a beakful of readies from the open briefcase of a bookie. The next time she went to the golf course there were police with binoculars on the grandstand roof. She spotted them just in time and headed back to the station but, with the gutsy approach of the Kristen we know today she went to Sandown Park instead where Perry pilfered over £50.

Kristen now had enough to take Perry to the show so she stopped using him to steal money. At the falconry show Perry amazed nobody with his tricks and he won nothing. It turned out the judges were more interested in colour of plumage and polished talons than the speed, agility or sheer cleverness that Kristen had taught him. She left, disillusioned with the whole bird show business. A child of 14 - however precocious - cannot conceal for ever a bird of prey and a trip away from home with white lies so, of course, her mum and dad eventually found out about Perry and that Kristen had exhibited him. She told them that she had saved very hard. So impressed were Mr & Mrs Bowditch with Kristen's determination and mature approach to running her own life that they decided to give her a little more responsibility. They let her keep the bird and she loved and looked after it until it died three years later. By then, Kristen had another life of work, boyfriends, etc. so, while devastated at the loss of her amazing pet, her life was far from empty.

Last year Kristen chucked her job and in 'An Extra's Tale' told us she lives on hobnobs and hope. In fact, she lives on immoral earnings. She got husband Jeff to buy her a peregrine falcon and - though he doesn't know it - she has used her considerable animal training ability to teach it to swoop down and take money from people using cash machines and they go on regular forays in town centres throughout the South East. The banks are desperate to keep the lid on the story, as they were when Russian mafia gangs began preying on cash machine customers. The last thing they want is for the public to lose confidence in them so they are refunding the victims of Kristen's crime in return for them signing a gagging order, until the mysterious hawk and its keeper are caught. Doesn't she dress well!

Remember, The Carlton Chronicle is where you read it first.

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The Puzzle That's Managed To Engage The Nation's Interest For A While

Exclusive to this publication only, the Carlton Chronicle is proud to present a new form of puzzle which will brighten up your daily commute no end. You won't have seen anything like it before, so here's what you have to do.

Complete the puzzle by fitting the letters C,A,R,L,T,O,N,D and S (CARLTON Dramatic Society, see?) into the grid below, so that every row, every column and every 3x3 box contains all the letters. Thanks to Simon Harris for this, who says that he has no idea whether it's Cakewalk or Fiendish, whatever that means.

Carlton Dramatic Society Information

CARLTON CALENDAR

Your regular guide to what's up and what's on at the Carlton and elsewhere - Put these dates in your diary NOW. No excuses.

If there is anything missing from the calendar I do apologise - my clairvoyance is affected by mists and mellow fruitfulness. You'll have to help me out by emailing me any items you would like to see included. Can you manage that?